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Maureen Kincaid Speller

Yesterday we learned the terrible news that our dear friend Maureen Kincaid Speller had passed away. Maureen was diagnosed with cancer back in March, but she had made remarkable progress and at the beginning of the summer her prognosis looked a great deal better. Her death on Sunday came as a bitter blow. Death is always difficult to come to terms with, but in the case of Maureen it seems doubly so. She had so much more still to give. Her indomitable spirit, her keen intellect, her wicked sense of humour and the all round pleasure in being in her company – these things make her loss all the more painful. I don’t think I will ever get used to the knowledge that she is no longer with us.

I will value in particular the memories of our many discussions of science fiction – its definition and relevance, its unique contribution to literature, the state of the field. So much laughter and so much passion. I was delighted when Maureen was made senior reviews editor at Strange Horizons, because I knew how much she would relish this challenge and how much support and experience she could offer to newer writers. I will treasure especially the time we spent together immersed in the Shadow Clarke through most of 2017. Maureen wrote some excellent criticism – because of course she did – but there was also all the stuff behind the scenes, the free exchange of ideas and opinions, the joy in thinking.

Maureen’s work as a critic and commentator has been a lifelong commitment and I will have more to say about that in the coming months. For now, I just want to say Maureen, your loss to us is incalculable. We love you with all our hearts, and will miss you forever. Our sincerest condolences to Paul, Maureen’s beloved husband, and our beloved friend. Our thoughts are with you.

At the Clarke Award ceremony 2017: Paul Kincaid, Nick Hubble, Victoria Hoyle, me, Maureen Kincaid Speller, Helen Marshall. Photo by Will Ellwood – thanks, Will!

Weird Wednesdays #19: Treacle Walker by Alan Garner

I have frequently been surprised, these past couple of weeks, by the way in which even seasoned literary commentators still slip into the habit of referring to Alan Garner as a children’s writer. I am sure I’ve said this somewhere before, but I continue to think of my first encounter with Garner’s work – The Owl Service, which I first read when I was around twelve – as among my most significant primary encounters with adult themes in literature. I found the book utterly compelling – but if you had asked me then what it was about I would have found it hard to answer. There was simply a feeling I had, a palpable sense of having touched something mysterious, timeless and possibly dangerous. I experienced the same feeling, albeit with a greater understanding of what was going on, both in me and in the book, when I belatedly caught up with Red Shift, some years ago.

As regards the Booker commentators, what on Earth is wrong with saying that Alan Garner is a writer who often centres young protagonists?

Which is exactly what he does in his 2021 novel, Treacle Walker, recently shortlisted for the Booker Prize, a fact that has made me feel more personally excited about the award than I have done since Anna Burns won it for Milkman back in 2018. The Booker has become generally much more innovative, inclusive and interesting in recent years, and I follow the annual discussion surrounding it with great enjoyment. Garner’s shortlisting though speaks to me personally. It counts, for me personally,. This is simply a feeling I have.

Treacle Walker tells the story of a boy, Joseph Coppock. Joe has recently been ill, and seems to spend a lot of time alone. Are his parents at work? Who looks after the house? We are never told. We live, for the duration of this short novel, entirely inside the world and mind of Joe as he encounters a mysterious rag-and-bone man, Treacle Walker, and falls into a daunting adventure that will alter his universe.

Treacle Walker speaks to Joe in riddles, an affectation he clearly finds simultaneously annoying and compelling. He is eager to learn the secrets the old man wants to impart to him, at the same time impatient, as any boy might be, to set his own stamp on the world, to interpret its signs and wonders in his own language. Most of the dialogue in Treacle Walker is conducted in the dialect of Garner’s native Cheshire, and one senses keenly Garner’s desire not to confuse or obfuscate but to set down, to save this unique language from annihilation in the twenty-first-century rush to refute the past. There is also a fierce feeling of privacy being accorded, the boy and the man who were always meant to come together sharing knowledge neither could fully fathom, until now.

It is notable that in the moments of highest tension and drama, the two cease with their mutual ragging and speak in terse, plain English. In these exchanges, it is almost as if the two are of a similar age and level of understanding.

As with all of Garner’s work, the action takes place against a vividly described, living landscape. One might almost say that Garner’s writing becomes the landscape, revealing it in all its aspects: peace, seclusion, discomfort, joy, alienation and terror:

But night was in the room, a sheet of darkness, flapping from wall to wall. It changed shape, swirling, flowing. It dropped to the ground and ruckled over the floor bricks; then up to the joints and beams of the ceiling; hung, fell, humped. It shrieked, reared against the chimney opening, but did not enter. It surged through the house by cracks and gaps in the timbers, out under the eaves. There was a whispering, silence, and on the floor the snow melted to tears.

This passage speaks to me particularly, both in its heady choice of words and in the symbols they carry. There have already been suggested many possible and plausible explanations of Treacle Walker’s meaning. For me, it is a book about the rising tide of chaos that accompanies change, the corresponding forces of growth and new imaginings that bring about progress. People have spoken of this novel as Garner’s last hurrah, a gathering together of his familiar themes, a farewell coda. It may be all of these things. Yet it is equally a work of bold experiment and dynamism, a book that makes use of ancient fable to speak to us in our own time with uncanny acuity.

Treacle Walker is tired, and Joe is ready and waiting to claim his future. As the two change places, or become one another, they mirror the unquiet yet seamless passing of one season to another.

Weird Wednesdays #18: They by Kay Dick

They opens with what at first glance appears to be a gentle slice of English pastoral: a house in the country, a house that is described as ‘rather splendid’ and that from the roof enjoys ‘a full sight of the sea.’ The scene, with its seabirds and confluence of rivers and quiet conversation between friends, appears idyllic. And yet even here, in the first paragraph of this remarkable short novel, threats hover in the margins, not so much in the action as in the author’s choice of words:

A natural bird sanctuary, one was conscious of flight as part of the landscape.

What follows is a gradual winnowing away, a gleaning, as Dick puts it, of every freedom, of every unguarded action, a pushing back of life into its own dusty shadow. We find ourselves in a world in which artistic expression has been deemed unnecessary and dangerous for society. A growing band of human surveillance drones – the ‘they’ of the title – move through district after district, destroying artworks and burning books and banning music. Artists themselves are not harmed unless they physically resist or offer verbal objections, at which point reprisals are swift, brutal and unequivocal. Unless they appear at the beginning of a sentence, they are never capitalised. We have no idea if they are government-sanctioned, or self-appointed. Artists seek sanctuary in out-of-the-way places, rural enclaves and coastal settlements where the worst of the new laws have not yet come into effect.

We sense that it is only a matter of time before there is nowhere left to retreat to. As more and more places become unsafe, acts of defiance become smaller and more internalised. As time passes, it is not only creative work that is deemed inappropriate but more or less anything that speaks of individual, quiet enjoyment: living alone, walks in nature, the companionship of animals. Bands of ‘sightseers’ follow the gleaning parties, despoiling the landscape, holding rowdy gatherings and revelling in the bloodshed and censure meted out to dissidents. When they are not out on the streets looking for a bit of civil unrest, they are walled up inside their family homes, watching television.

I have seen some commentary on this book that suggests Dick’s vision of dystopia is simplistic and highly selective, that her characters are privileged and – ah yes, that weasel word again – elitist. I would argue that such protestations entirely misjudge the purpose and tone of They, which is a small masterpiece, the finest and most penetrative kind of allegorical SF. It is always tempting with literary dystopias, to demand that they be literal, to want to draw comparisons with one’s own time and place. There is no shortage of these in They, for which one could cite recent instances of drones spying on lone walkers in the Pennines, neighbours reporting on neighbours having a cup of tea with other neighbours, the equating of journalists with organised crime, the media trashing of impartial news broadcasting and the withdrawal of government support for English Literature as an academic discipline. The violent sanctioning of any form of personal expression in the name of spiritual appropriateness when it is in fact a blatant exercise in social control is happening to Afghan people and in particular Afghan women right now under the Taliban.

We will always find plenty of examples to choose from – that we cannot help doing so points to the fact that Dick’s novel is not out of date, as some have intimated, but timeless – but we should resist such simplistic reductionism. What we have in They is a powerful philosophical argument, a refutation of the will to power per se, an upholding of reason and personal liberty in the face of prejudice, of groupthink, of the unexamined urge to censure what is different. They stands also as a metaphor for itself: Dick, a queer writer who faced rejection and condescension as a daily reality, saw her work repeatedly belittled and sidelined, with They being described as ‘menopausal’ by a male reviewer in a national broadsheet.

And yet, its final words are hopeful; words of quiet yet determined resistance:

‘Hallo love’, I said, greeting another day.

It is important to point up Dick’s landscape writing as a salient feature of They. For Dick, noticing and valuing the natural world, as an essential source of spiritual renewal yes, but equally in and for itself, is not just prescient but an act of subversion, one that places They in its rightful place alongside other works of roughly contemporaneous and distinctly British science fiction such as Anna Kavan’s Ice, Christopher Priest’s A Dream of Wessex, Keith Roberts’s Pavane and Richard Cowper’s The Road to Corlay.

The story of how They was rescued from oblivion by a literary agent who happened to pick up a rare second hand copy in a Bath charity shop is beautifully told by Sam Knight in an article for The New Yorker, and elaborated upon by Dick’s champion Lucy Scholes in the Paris Review. The inspiration we can draw from Dick and from her writing – sparse, bold, direct, resolute and impassioned – is substantial, and I would recommend They to anyone who wants to learn more about how science fiction can still be ground-breaking and resonant without so much as a mention of new technology or alien planets.

We are lucky to have this book readily available to us again.

10,000 and counting

This weekend saw the return of the Bute Highland Games, a wonderful community occasion made all the more special this year both for the fact that it was the first time back since COVID, and that the weather actually saw fit to behave itself this time around. I took part in the 10,000-metre road race, something I have been wanting to do ever since we moved to the island and my first ever participation in any kind of sporting competition. It was tough – I’m used to running first thing in the morning when the weather conditions are always cooler – but I was enormously pleased with my finishing time of 55:55, which placed me fifth out of sixteen in my age and gender category and 21st out of 54 women over the line.

Photo by my mum!

I hesitated over whether to post about this – it has nothing to do with writing, at least not directly, and talking in public about personal issues does not always come naturally to me – but then I thought what I have to say might encourage others, and therefore be valuable.

My running means a great deal to me and brings me much joy. It kept me sane during the pandemic – the one time of day when everything felt normal was when I was outside first thing, running along the coast road whatever the weather, listening to my music and feeling especially aware of my body as a living organism. Early on in the terrible conflict in Ukraine, I read about a group of older runners in Kyiv who see their daily outing as an act of solidarity with their fellows, an insistence that they exist and remain defiant. I often think of them as I run, wonder how they are getting on. Problems and questions that have arisen with my writing flow through my mind, and are often unravelled, seemingly without effort on my part.

Above all, the weather, the landscape, the feel and smell and taste of the open air. These grounding things, these precious things – to have this sense of freedom as a daily tonic is not so much a commitment as a necessity.

The point is, when I started school it was simply assumed that because I was visually impaired I would never be able to take part in sport. It didn’t seem to matter – I was doing well academically, so no biggie, and I never expressed any particular regret or worry over this cordoned-off area of the curriculum. Any half-hearted attempts to involve me in PE ended pretty dismally. Of course they did, because most of what was on offer were team sports, ball games needing a high degree of hand-eye coordination, and one of the weird things about my sight is that I don’t have binocular vision – pretty crucial for depth perception, and judging distances at speed. (Anyone who’s ever been with me at a convention and noticed me testing the edge of an ‘alien’ step with my toe before I go down it? This is why.)

I did swim well from an early age, though, and – oddly not oddly – I was one of the few who did not react with abject horror when told we were off for a cross-country run. I always had good breath control, and what I now recognise as good core strength and stamina. None of these things were noticed, or encouraged. I am not blaming anyone – I went to school in the 1970s, they did things differently there – but nonetheless I think it’s important for me to say it, in case anyone reading this has similarly been made to believe they have no sporting aptitude, or ‘can’t’ do something because they have a disability.

From my own experience, it is not a matter of can’t; it is simply a question of discovering which sport or activity best suits your particular abilities, and your passion.

Perhaps counter-intuitively, I have always enjoyed watching sport on TV. I was heavily invested in the Hunt-Lauda rivalry in Formula 1 back in the day. I started watching and loving Wimbledon when Borg, Connors, Wade and McEnroe were all still young. I vividly remember the excitement of watching my first Olympics – Montreal, 1976: Nadia Comaneci, Lasse Viren. I watched one hell of a lot of Champions’ League football matches through the 1990s. But it wasn’t until the 2000 Olympics in Sydney that something clicked personally, for me. Watching the Romanian athlete Gabi Szabo win gold in the 5,000 metres, something about this tiny, steel-nerved blonde woman and her famous sprint finish spoke to me, inspired me, reminded me that wasn’t running something I had always wanted to try but felt was out of bounds?

I decided that there was literally no reason it should be out of bounds, and started from there, running around the block in an old pair of Adidas trainers and feeling vaguely embarrassed. The embarrassment stopped after about a fortnight, as I began to build up my staying power. I have run in fits and starts ever since, though it did not become a daily habit until we moved to the island. With a course that is safe and free of traffic and has start-to-finish views of the Firth of Clyde, how could it not?

I spend many hours of every day sitting at my desk. The practice of writing calls for stamina of a different kind – the ability to sit with an idea until it becomes something, to keep faith with my work even when it feels flat, or disorganised, or beyond my control. It can be mentally exhausting and occasionally dispiriting. To be able to get outside, to let my mind unclench itself – I can honestly say that taking up running has benefited every aspect of my life, both my physical and mental wellbeing. It offers a rest from the intensity of writing, as well as a spur to it.

Running is my hobby, the thing I do for myself alone and with no other aim in view than to enjoy the experience. I’m not at all competitive about it, and that is part of the joy. But can I beat my own time next year? If I weren’t already wondering about that, I wouldn’t be me.

Get well soon

“Literature is self-validating. That is to say, a book is not justified by its author’s worthiness to write it, but by the quality of what has been done.”

Salman Rushdie

In this stunning and prescient essay for the London Review of Books from 1982, Rushdie reminds us – if reminder were needed – how even at the start of his career he was already preoccupied with themes of identity, aesthetics, culture, the transformative power of the imagination and above all freedom of expression. We are so lucky to have him still with us. Everyone’s writing about Rushdie at the moment and that’s not surprising but what we are waiting for, really, is to hear from him again. Opinionated, fearless, controversial – writers like Rushdie are increasingly rare. If the past days have shown us anything, it is that voices such as his are more necessary and more valuable than ever.

Cat Brushing by Jane Campbell

Ageing is often presented as an accumulation, of disease, of discomforts, of wrinkles, but it is really a process of dispossession, of rights, of respect, of desire, of all those things you once so casually owned and enjoyed.

So reflects the narrator of ‘Cat Brushing’, the titular story of Jane Campbell’s original, engaging and important collection, out today.

In ‘Cat Brushing’, first published in the London Review of Books in 2017, a retired teacher now living with her son and daughter-in-law feels a bond with her Siamese cat that is a kind of spiritual twinning: the cat is getting on in years now but still feisty, still independent-minded. She enjoys praise and comfort but not at the expense of her personal autonomy. When the cat’s presence in her life is threatened, the story’s narrator senses a further forced reduction in her own sense of self:

So in the absence of being able to please I try to be useful. And not disgusting. The cat got sick yesterday. She does sometimes. She hunts, she has always hunted, but is, I feel, less successful than she used to be. There it is again, the loss. She catches the slower prey, and eats bits of it and it may already be ill or diseased.

At the heart of each of the thirteen stories in Cat Brushing is an older woman. Some of these women, like the narrator of the title story, have been forced from their own environments into hostile domains. Others have so far escaped the attention of controlling relatives or concerned neighbours, determined to preserve their independence or to stake a new-found happiness on one final and possibly ill-advised throw of the dice.

The subject matter of these stories – ageing, dependency, loss, abuse, regret – is of the kind that will no doubt tempt some critics to describe this collection as ‘heartbreaking’. But while it is true that more than a couple of Campbell’s intensely private, thoughtful tales brought tears to my eyes, I am much more inclined to characterise her work as defiant, subversive, intelligent and singularly empowering. Even in their forgetfulness and physical frailty, Campbell’s women are garrulous, insightful and occasionally duplicitous. They never fail to retain agency over their own lives, even when that agency drives them, ultimately, to refuse what is on offer.

Stories such as ‘Susan and Miffy’ and ‘Lamia’ show older women in active possession of a vibrant sexuality. ‘The Scratch’ and ‘The Kiskadee’ touch on themes of abuse and control, but there are no neat answers, no tidy conclusions as Campbell opts for ambiguity rather than moral outrage. In ‘183 Minutes’, a story that might equally have been dreamed up by Ruth Rendell, the protagonist experiences a stark premonition of her own destruction yet still finds the hope of happiness trumping the fear of risk:

And she turned her face towards the window for she wanted to see if there was a reflection there of the woman she had suddenly become. But in the anonymity of the rushing fields she saw only her body dumped in an alley, at the bottom of a cliff, down a well, and then they flew under a bridge and against the momentary blackness she saw her face again.

Rather than taking refuge in the past, these characters are inhabitants of the modern world, equipped to deal with any challenges the future may hold. In ‘Lockdown Fantasms’, Campbell takes issue with the way older people have been further marginalised and forgotten during the COVID-19 pandemic, the key decisions about their ‘wellbeing’ taken by others. Social media and the metaverse in this story are magical, life-saving resources; in ‘Schopenhauer and I’ the reverse is true, with digital companionship used as a cover for surveillance and control.

How refreshing it is, to meet characters who are not careful about how they express themselves, who say what they think with relish and a crooked smile. The language of Cat Brushing, while spare and unadorned, is never simple. Literary allusions and philosophical experiment take their place alongside landscape writing that is richly imaginative and resonant, where a longing for lost realities is always tempered by mordant wit. The final story in the collection, ‘On Being Alone’, references Chekhov, and in its accretion of significant detail, its elegiac quality it has a distinctly Chekhovian melancholy about it:

As a child I already knew that I needed, craved, bathed myself in solitude. Being alone was my best place. As I grew through my teens I began to understand it better. I narrowed it down to a fear of belonging. Belonging to me meant losing something. not gaining anything. Losing individuality, losing, dare I say, specialness. I was a secretive and isolated child and I feared being identified with any other child as some people might fear the plague.

As so often in Chekhov, you don’t end up where you think you will. The past number of years have seen important conversations taking place not just about representation in literature but about who is doing the representing. While I would staunchly argue that one of the key skills of the fiction writer is imaginative empathy, that for the writer prepared to undertake the creative groundwork, no identity or set of experiences should be out of bounds, it seems equally important that in the portrayal of particular histories, experiences and worldviews we should amplify and pay attention to writers with first-hand knowledge of those situations and communities.

The increasing diversity of our prize shortlists and publishing schedules is both exciting and timely. How discouraging it is then, to see the matter of age so often excluded from these vital discussions, to see writers actively debarred from ‘first novel’ or ‘new writer’ awards or grant applications simply on the grounds of being over forty. On social media especially the increasing tendency is to tell older writers to shut up.

Age is not only the last taboo, it seems, but the last acceptable breeding ground for prejudice as well. For women especially, pressures relating to family and other gender-based expectations have often been contributory factors in narrowing down or closing off routes to publication. I have lost count of the number of post-war women writers I have come across in my reading and research whose careers have stalled or floundered, not through any lack of talent but through lack of opportunity or recognition.

All of which makes a collection like Cat Brushing doubly important. In their power and persuasiveness, their wily transgressions, their willingness to take risks, Jane Campbell’s stories reveal a reality that is relevant to all of us and too often ignored.

Mid-Year Book Freakout tag

As I have mentioned here before, one of my biggest downtime pleasures is watching Booktube videos. Sharing in the expression of love and knowledgeable enthusiasm for books is a joy in itself, and I have particularly come to enjoy the way the cyclical recurrence of certain tags and list videos have come to take the form of a literary calendar, mapping out the bookish year with reactions to book prize longlists, anticipated releases and what progress – if any – has been made in the meeting of reading goals.

Let me say from the outset that my own reading goals have been shot to shit. There is a genuine reason for this – the house move – but I still feel disappointed that my Cloak and Dagger reading challenge, so carefully curated, is now so far off schedule that there is little hope of my catching up, especially as I have taken on a couple of extra non-fiction side-projects in the meantime.

Rather than despair over this – because come on – and because I like the challenge so much I have decided to defer it to 2023, when I will begin the whole thing again from scratch. So far as this year is concerned, I intend to read whatever the hell takes my fancy. Given that I have so much research reading to do on top of my other commitments, I know I will have to keep my expectations in check. But it does lift my heart to think that we are only halfway through the year, and that there are more books yet to be read that I don’t yet know about.

In anticipation of that, I thought I would post my own responses to the mid-year book freakout tag, because I have been freaking out, just a bit, and because it’s an interesting way of taking the literary temperature of my year to date.

  1. BEST BOOK YOU’VE READ SO FAR IN 2022 would have to be Optic Nerve, by Maria Gainza. This book was exactly what I needed to read at the particular moment I read it, and I will be following Gainza’s literary journey from here on in.
  2. BEST SEQUEL YOU’VE READ SO FAR IN 2022. I’ll have to cheat a little with this one, as I don’t think the author would necessarily want to see this book described as a sequel, but if we can include in that category books with characters we first met in an earlier novel then it’s definitely Sea of Tranquility by Emily St John Mandel. Those who read and adored The Glass Hotel, as I did, will enjoy hunting down those Easter eggs. But there’s no need for you to have read Mandel’s previous novel to enjoy this one, which is searching, original, moving and gorgeously achieved. I loved it from the first page.
  3. NEW RELEASE YOU HAVEN’T READ YET, BUT WANT TO. Oh my goodness, there are so many – some languishing here on my desk. For the sake of keeping this short, I shall confine myself to two. John Darnielle’s Devil House is a must for me, firstly because I have loved his previous two books and secondly because I am excited to see what he’s done with a fake-true-crime narrative. And then I have been hearing very good things about Hernan Diaz’s Trust. I have read the preview and found it irresistible, and the metafictional ‘found document’ format is very much my bag.
  4. MOST ANTICIPATED RELEASE FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE YEAR. Once again, I shall confine myself to two. The first is Babysitter, by Joyce Carol Oates. I’m a huge Oates fan in any case, and here she is with an imaginative retelling of a true crime story. Cannot miss it. And secondly there’s The Furrows, from Namwali Serpell. Her Clarke-winning debut The Old Drift is a book I still think about a lot, both for its astounding writing and its treatment of time. The Furrows sounds every bit as intriguing.
  5. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT. I have been lucky this year in that the books I have actively sought out have been sustaining and each in their own way worthwhile. My experience with review assignments has been more mixed. Shall I just say that I think I am burned out on what I shall loosely term the ‘soft dystopia’? It is fascinating, how many books in this genre are debuts. There are conclusions to be drawn there, no doubt.
  6. BIGGEST SURPRISE. The Pale Horse by Agatha Christie. I very much enjoyed Sarah Phelps’s BBC adaptation and what with Laura Thompson’s lovely biography Agatha Christie: An English Mystery acting as my sanity blanket through the book-packing process, I thought I would try out the novel, a late work by Christie and one I had never even heard of before seeing the TV series. I was surprised and delighted by how solidly crafted it is, how modern it feels. In terms of her sentence-level achievement, Christie often gets a bad press, one I found myself feeling – as I have on previous occasions – is undeserved.
  7. FAVOURITE NEW AUTHOR – DEBUT OR NEW TO YOU. Once again, that would have to be Maria Gainza.
  8. BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY. To Paradise, by Hanya Yanagihara. Given the discomfiting and unstable nature of the year to date, it already seems like ages since I read this, but I thought it was magnificent – a powerful and fearless examination of the problems we face as a society and as individuals, written by an author one-hundred percent in control of her material. I would definitely read it again. Ysnagihara has quickly become the kind of author that makes you insatiably curious about where she will go next.
  9. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOOK YOU’VE BOUGHT SO FAR THIS YEAR would also count as the most expensive! I am not going to name it, because it is the key primary source text for my novel-in-progress, but I will say that it dates from the 1950s, and is signed and dated by the author. Its beauty is tied up in its provenance, and the way it brings the events it described so vividly to life.
  10. WHAT BOOKS DO YOU NEED TO READ BY THE END OF THE YEAR? Many, many books. For reasons similar to those that prompted my Golding binge last year, I will be re-immersing myself in J.G. Ballard’s three key disaster novels. Off at only a slight tangent, I am lucky enough to have in my possession an ARC of Martin MacInnes’s new novel In Ascension, which I absolutely intend to get to before the year is out. One of my most anticipated reads of last year was Speak, Silence, Carole Angier’s investigative biography of W. G. Sebald. I actually began reading this the week before we moved out of our previous house and was instantly smitten. I had the book with me all the time we were in temporary accommodation, but was too tired and preoccupied to give it the full attention it so obviously deserves. I expect to be back in Sebald’s world before the end of summer.

Home II

My new office is the perfect size, by which I mean perfect for me.

The office I had in our previous home was just that little bit too small. Most of my books had to be housed elsewhere in our home, a fact that was somewhat made up for by my magnificent view of the firth and of the ferry terminal, but it gave the room a feeling of incompleteness, and led to the annoying side-effect of having thirty to forty books piled up either side of my computer at any one time.

For someone who prefers their surroundings to have a semblance of order, this was not ideal. The office I had before that, in Devon, had room for my books, which blanketed the back wall like a layer of secondary insulation, but as a space was even smaller, almost a box room. The office I had in Hastings had the opposite problem – it felt too big. I like rooms that feel like burrows, enclosing and human-sized. The large, high-ceilinged rooms of our previous, Georgian home always felt overwhelming to me, as if I were a guest in them, or simply camped out. I never felt we properly owned that house, or ever could.

There is a rightness to my new office that makes it seem like the room I have been waiting to discover all my writing life. From my desk, which is immediately inside the doorway as you come in, I can see the firth, the ferry – more distant now as it ploughs its way to and from the harbour but still present, still essential, still ours – the Cowal hills beyond. My books fill the wall opposite and half of the wall that abuts it, and there is room for them all. Our bookshelves were made for us by a local carpenter. We had them dismantled so we could bring them with us from our previous home, in the first instance because we could not bear to part with them, though as it turns out the escalating price of timber means we would not have been able to afford to replace them, had we left them behind. Lucky.

My office is a warm mustard-yellow, the colour of gorse. It has crept up on me over the years, that yellow is my favourite colour for rooms. I feel enclosed, protected, energised. Warmed by the sun, through even the bleakest of Scottish winter days.

During the twenty years I spent working in retail, I was always aware that in order to write it was essential for me to have the kind of day-job where I could clock off at the end of my shift and not have to think about the work, at all, when I wasn’t there. This inevitably meant low pay, but the up-side – the essential up-side – was freedom of thought. During these past ten weeks of arranging our move and project-managing the renovation of our new house, it has been brought home to me, with bells on, how correct I had always been in this instinctive assumption. The move was timely and right. Giving the house an overhaul has been a landmark experience, a labour of love. But for the life of the mind it has been crushing, and uniquely stressful. The more or less absolute inability to think about anything else – an experience I have been referring to as ‘brain-wipe’ – has taken its toll on me and on those around me.

Thankfully, this mental burden has been lifted. Just a week after moving in, I find myself back at my desk, picking up not where I left off, exactly, but somewhere close to it. The work feels exciting, re-invigorated, above all, possible. Given the state of the wider world, there have been moments these past months when I have found myself wondering if it was in fact possible, if there was a point to it – the kind of feelings I have been lucky enough, for many, many years, to have entirely escaped.

To have felt them again, even for a day or two, has reminded me of what is at stake, if not for me then for thousands of others, daily, hourly.

While I can, I will. While we can, we must.

Thank you for being here. Reading, writing, thinking – it’s who we are.

Home

We moved into our new home on Thursday. In the two days since we’ve been here, we have spent the majority of our time unpacking books. Books on shelves mean we are settling in. We have a little way to go still, but in essence, our move is complete. The cats, who endured their six weeks of indoor living with patience and grace, have begun to get acquainted with their new territory.

Shortly after we moved north to Scotland I wrote a piece for a magazine enumerating the various house moves I have made during my life. From memory, there have been more than twenty in total, a tally that still feels vertiginous to me, a catalogue of displacement and disruption. This particular move has been easier in some ways – we are, in a sense, still in the same place, still on familiar ground – but in others it has seemed all-consuming, exhausting, seminal.

I am sitting in my new office, looking out at the Firth of Clyde. It is a gentle, pale blue evening. I am so glad to be home.

Well, that was unexpected

We have moved house. Or rather, we find ourselves between houses, in temporary accommodation while we do work to the house we have just bought, two miles down the road from the house we just sold, smaller in scale but already, for me at any rate, larger in the imagination.

We were very happy in the house we have now left. This was the house that brought us to the island, the house that sheltered us through lockdown and that features, in various guises, in several of our novels. The decision to sell it was difficult and arrived at only gradually, founded upon the fact that the house was too big and too expensive for us to maintain, that its unsuitability would only increase with the passage of years.

The past six weeks have seen us undergoing all the familiar, unavoidable, anxiety-inducing accompaniments to moving house: the sense of disjuncture, the inevitably upsetting process of dismantling a home and the queasy feeling of unreality that comes in its wake. There has also been the intensely practical problem of downsizing our library of books, CDs and DVDs. It has been incredibly important to us that they find their way into the hands of readers and listeners who will appreciate them, which has meant several trips into Glasgow in order to donate them. I am terribly glad we did this, but it has, in the midst of the numerous other chores and missions of madness, been exhausting.

Keeping me sane through the whole process has been Laura Thompson’s unusually candid and spontaneous biography of England’s most famous crime writer, Agatha Christie: An English Mystery. I am sure there will be those who find Thompson’s approach too open, too opinionated and too personal, but Thompson’s singular willingness to put her own heart and soul on the line has been precisely what I like and admire about the book, a hefty volume that nonetheless has been stimulating and thought-provoking through the whole of its length, and that I have always felt eager and grateful to return to at the end of another tiring day.

Now begins the process of building back up. I love our new home. I feel especially lucky to have retained my cherished view of the Firth of Clyde, albeit from a different angle. I cannot wait for us to move in properly, to get back to work. My current work-in-progress seems like a distant, unfamiliar land. I will need to reacquaint myself with it. I know there will be changes, because I have changed. I look forward to finding out exactly where I have arrived.

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